"So this is it. We're going to die."

[foxgrrl]

At one point in the last several days, I found myself in a situation where I said to myself: Oh shit! So this is it, this is how I die&hellip […] (Oh, I'm still alive.) In hindsight I wasn't really in any danger. Whenever I have one of these experiences, it really reminds me of just how much I really love being alive despite all the pain. That, and I really feel like I'm not done yet. There's something I'm supposed to be doing on this Earth — I don't know what it is, so I could be doing it right now for all I know.

After the previous time this happened to me (a few months ago), I wrote the following farewell to a friend:

This is Julia. I want you to know that life is a gift, and you should cherish every beautiful moment of it. Be Well.

Another thing that I have observed about myself in these moments, is the entire rest of my brain/mind very rapidly formulating survival plans, to immediately get out of the situation. It's almost like an automatic reflex.

If you've ever found yourself in one of these situations where you've thought to yourself that you were going to die. What were the last thoughts which ran through your head?

Comments

[rezendi.livejournal.com]

"Shit. Should have gone on the mountain side of the mule train, not, repeat not, the cliff side."

[siabha-maellyn.livejournal.com]

Upon finding myself in some river rapids being dragged through a tunnel that I had no idea the length of: "Surface, breathe when you can, don't hit the walls because it would really suck to lose consciousness due to a concussion.... hm. This is kinda interesting. I wonder what the other side is like? I guess I'm about to find out..."

Very... abstract. LOL...

[tlttlotd.livejournal.com]

I have, and unfortunately the only thing that went through my mind at the time was "Aw, shit."

It was really the only thing that I had time to think in the moment, and seemed to be the most reasonable thing that anyone could say under the circumstances.

[merovingian.livejournal.com]

Gosh, anytime that has come up, it has been a fast risk - an oncoming car, falling down a mountain, being chased by a bear - and my thoughts were always on handling the situation at hand. Really hindbrain stuff like "I'd better run REALLY FAST" or "I'd better swerve THIS WAY, JUST RIGHT."

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I've also been thinking "This sucks."

[zingkotori.livejournal.com]

Being swept away by a river after having dated a lifeguard for 3.5 years: "It would be so embarrassing if [lifeguard ex-boyfriend] found out I died like this."

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

Just a fervent blast of love to Eli.

[ilcylic.livejournal.com]

I believe the exact sequence of words that went through my mind was "Oh, fuck. Wait, didn't I just think about this the other week? Ow! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, shit, that was an expensive noise! Damnit, I'm going to get run over! I sure hope no one hits me. I seem to be stopping... Crap! I have to get off the freeway!"

This was as I was crashing my motorcycle on the freeway during rush hour. At least, I'm pretty sure that's the last time I really thought I was going to die.

[yippee.livejournal.com]

I remember spinning on an icy road, watching the world go by and I'm not sure if I said aloud or just thought it, "wheeeeeeeeeee!"

[ephermata.livejournal.com]

was this recent?

anyway, hope you're doing well now!

[tracerj.livejournal.com]

Yeah. My closest brush was accompanied by the clear thought, "I knew it'd happen in a car."

[lupinekassidy.livejournal.com]

Bore some thinking about.
There's been a few times in which I could've been killed in my life, but at the time when it's going down, I've got this *huge* blind spot when it comes to my own mortality- I don't seem to be able to consider that I could die. I've had a few 'oh shit' moments, mind you, and I've had panic points: most notably when I'm riding in a car and I think the driver's on crack or something, but that's just the usual response to a loss of control.

The only situation that comes closest to me is when I was 15, and I popped my moped off the curb and found myself facing a car that had just rounded the corner- and far too close in my opinion. Didn't think at all- I turned the bike, lost control, and rolled away from it when it hit ground. Then I got up, brushed myself off, and limped over to the bike that had slid into the guy's car, which he'd had presence of mind to stop. Do damage to the car or bike, but I spent the next few days unable to use my wrist.

Even today, I'm more likely to react to an imminent demise situation with anger or action than I am to be busy reflecting over it.

Wonder if this helps at all.

[kitten-goddess.livejournal.com]

"If you've ever found yourself in one of these situations where you've thought to yourself that you were going to die. What were the last thoughts which ran through your head?"

I have never been close to dying in my life. I am an extremely cautious person and actually less likely to die than most people, since I hardly ever am in cars.

I have often been threatened with the prospect of death, however, since I used to be a hardcore fundy. Every week, we were all asked to consider our final moments and how we would spend eternity, which was really fucking morbid. Therefore, I spent an inordinate amount of time as a child and young adult thinking about this topic. (The fact that I have always been extremely healthy and come from long-lived folk on both sides makes this even more ironic than usual!)

Until a year ago, I knew what I would do when faced with death. I would spend my last moments asking Deities to forgive me and trying to get right with Them.

Now, I have no idea. Hopefully, I won't insult Deities by pleading with Them for forgiveness. I have the feeling They would be rather annoyed.

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

I was very young. I was being beaten. I hit back. I got hit worse. I had no chance of winning that one, but I had fucking had enough.
I remember thinking, I'm taking them out with me if I can.

I aged and got mellower.

[sasya-fox.livejournal.com]

"Aw, shit..." .. about this time last year, as I crashed my motorcycle on Highway 101 in rush hour traffic near the airport. :p There were a bunch of tactical reflexes, but they didn't go into the realm of conscious thought.

~Foxy

[sasya-fox.livejournal.com]

(I've also had a couple other moments, and mostly they broke down to, "Well, if this is it, this is it." .. and more than a few hypochondriac moments where I was convinced my death was totally imminent from a stubbed toe or gas, but those were so illogical that despite the emotional distress and anxiety, I intellectually resolved my last thoughts to "Oy, whatever". I hate that.)

[tlttlotd.livejournal.com]

For me, it was a rather nasty storm breaking off part of the tree in my backyard and hurling it through the back porch of the house I was living in. Unfortunately, I was sitting right in front of the door (which held - no one was hurt) at the same time, so I had an excellent view of the branch heading right for me.

[adularia.livejournal.com]

I can only think of one time when death seemed likely but not imminent, and I had time to think about it.

"Crest. Fall. Crest. Fall. I wish I could tell you this. I know we're going to capsize, any one of these. Crest. Crest? Fall. Don't know what happens next but we're fucked no matter what." (One of the worse windstorms I've encountered, unusual in that there was nowhere very good to land. By some luck, we didn't capsize after all, and I found myself increasingly cavalier about the weather after that.)

I was a lot more scared than in the one car accident that carried a much greater likelihood of dying. It was more survivalism than resignation.

[adapt.livejournal.com]

Briefly waking up while on life support and hearing doctors talking about how it was a toss-up whether I'd make it, and thinking, without words, that it had all been worth it, all of it. Then falling asleep and not coming back for another week.

Very similar thoughts a year after that as a car I was in lost traction and skidded over a divider, through oncoming traffic, and nose-dived into a ravine almost vertically.

It crystallized, more or less, into "hey, I guess that did make sense, and it was pretty OK". Both times it faded after, but knowing that all the great, not-so-great, and sometimes straight-out awful that populates any life _can_ make sense stayed with me.

As in "gosh, [x] event seems pretty awful right now, and I don't understand why it's happening, but I know that where _is_ a why, somewhere."

I'm bad at explaining these things. You could say that it's just a coping mechanism I guess, a way of protecting the mind from dealing with the possibility of its own demise ... but it'd take some doing to convince me.

[raycek.livejournal.com]

That I had nothing to worry about and everything was going to be okay..


What 'okay' entailed, I'm not sure, but I stayed very relaxed through the experience.

[its-just-meee.livejournal.com]

I had sharp pain, things world was fading out, the pain started to subside. I was calm at peace with the universe and not panicked. Next thing I felt was two cold paddles on my body and the feeling that someone just jumped on me. Apparently that wasn't my time yet. However when it is, I will be alone.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

This happens just often enough to keep me on my toes. About 95 to 98% of my brain power is tied up with doing something (or NOT doing something), however. Timing . . . is important.

Thoughts I have actually had include:

1) This is going to look REALLY STUPID on the police report / coroner's report of death. (About to overbalance on a high railing.)

2) This is going to be a big HOW NOT TO for future generations of (EMTs, armed security officers, etc.) . . . (Suppressed to protect the guilty.)

3) Will I go unconscious while I'm flying through the air after being struck, or when I actually hit the ground? (While crossing eight lanes of high speed freeway at night.)

4) Subaru. Why did I stop driving a Subaru? (Dodging an idiot lane changer on a twisty mountain road, driving a 2WD pickup.)

[paka.livejournal.com]

Every time I've been in anything life threatening or even dangerous I default to focuing on the situation and getting out of it. Only afterwards does the thought occur, hey, that could have killed me, oh, that's scary. This by comparison to say, the way seeing a motorcycle cop on the freeway scares the shit out of me. The only time when I had some sort of long drawn out this-could-kill-me experience was this one childhood accident, and at the time I don't think my own mortality really was something I thought about. Plus, I think after a while I just blanked out aside from the rhythm of treading water.

So I guess I'm pretty boring really.

[mantic-angel.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've ever had an external threat to my safety, although there may be an exception I'm not remembering. So, usually, it's some variation on "I'm not thinking straight right now," recited as a mantra, while I slam myself in to a good distracting activity that will take my mind offline until the depression passes....

The time I got closest to actually doing it, though, it was just a quiet calm. "So this is what it's like finally being clear-headed and unemotional about suicide, interesting."

For a long time, I had a life where the pain outweighed everything else. It's only been lately that I've actually felt like I have a future ahead of me, and would be upset to see it cut short. I feel weird saying it. My life wasn't beautiful for quite a while, and there's a lot of moments there that I doubt I'll ever cherish. I've drawn strength and power from them, but that doesn't make them good, or necessary, or beautiful.