"So this is it. We're going to die."

[foxgrrl]

At one point in the last several days, I found myself in a situation where I said to myself: Oh shit! So this is it, this is how I die&hellip […] (Oh, I'm still alive.) In hindsight I wasn't really in any danger. Whenever I have one of these experiences, it really reminds me of just how much I really love being alive despite all the pain. That, and I really feel like I'm not done yet. There's something I'm supposed to be doing on this Earth — I don't know what it is, so I could be doing it right now for all I know.

After the previous time this happened to me (a few months ago), I wrote the following farewell to a friend:

This is Julia. I want you to know that life is a gift, and you should cherish every beautiful moment of it. Be Well.

Another thing that I have observed about myself in these moments, is the entire rest of my brain/mind very rapidly formulating survival plans, to immediately get out of the situation. It's almost like an automatic reflex.

If you've ever found yourself in one of these situations where you've thought to yourself that you were going to die. What were the last thoughts which ran through your head?

Comments

[mantic-angel.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've ever had an external threat to my safety, although there may be an exception I'm not remembering. So, usually, it's some variation on "I'm not thinking straight right now," recited as a mantra, while I slam myself in to a good distracting activity that will take my mind offline until the depression passes....

The time I got closest to actually doing it, though, it was just a quiet calm. "So this is what it's like finally being clear-headed and unemotional about suicide, interesting."

For a long time, I had a life where the pain outweighed everything else. It's only been lately that I've actually felt like I have a future ahead of me, and would be upset to see it cut short. I feel weird saying it. My life wasn't beautiful for quite a while, and there's a lot of moments there that I doubt I'll ever cherish. I've drawn strength and power from them, but that doesn't make them good, or necessary, or beautiful.