魔法少女プリティジューリャ

Dear Lazyweb:

Can someone track down the exact written US State Department regulation, about exactly what is required to get one's gender changed on a US Passport? I have been unable to find it, and the person I talked to at the Transgender Law Center said that the actual regulation is not actually written down anywhere, and it's mostly up to the whim of whichever clerks are in the passport office that day. So I've heard several different things about what the letter should state, in order to get the gender changed.

So, last night while I was supposed to be finishing my art for Burning Man, I made the mistake of looking at Michigan Womyn's Music Festival Discussion Forums, and I get the impression that the music festival is not a safe place? Hypothetically, if I went there, would I likely be attacked? (I haven't had the time to research any of this yet, it's rather distant from my daily life. (And I seriously don't have the time for drama¹.))

But anyway, the reason why I'm writing this, is because I could not let an oft repeated statement go unchallenged. There is a common accusation that male to female transsexuals [MTFs] are men, who devote many painful years of their lives, to pretend to be women, for the purpose of raping them². And that their demand to be treated simple human respect and decency, the same as any ordinary woman, is male privilege.

As an actual, for-reals, victim of sexual assault, I find these accusations of rape highly offensive. Especially coming from people who have never experienced this. Attending a Womyn's Music Festival, just like any other woman, is not the same as someone [a man] holding you on the ground with a knife at your throat, and sticking their tongue in your mouth³. [And something else I've gotten:] Taking someone's photo, in public, without their permission is not the same as rape. It's not the same as being backed into a corner as a child and having myone's genitals fondled.

As a transsexual, I have been turned down for work; denied housing, twice!; denied medical care; denied government ID; lost friends (but not any more family than what I had already lost before); etc. all explicitly because I'm trans. (I know it's for that reason, because that's what the people doing it are telling me when they do it. It's perfectly legal to do, so why cover it up?)

As a woman, I also get people completely ignoring anything I say, or invalidating it, not believing that I can lift heavy objects, or take care of myself, or actually be skilled at anything technical, and staring at my breasts while they talk to me.

I can't even kiss someone I love, without the animal part of my hindbrain wanting to run away or attack. I have to fight myself to not disassociate when being intimate with someone. And I hate it. [Note that if you're one of the people I'm intimate with, and you didn't know, don't do anything different just because I've said this now.]

The next time I see someone accusing myself or someone else of rape rhetorically, I'm going to call them out on it. I'm not going to passively sit by and take it any more. Put up, or shut up. What the hell was your rape experience like? And how is that the same as whatever petty drama you're upset about? Oh, you never were? Well then kindly shut the fuck up.

Really, all this accusation of rape is, is verbal bludgeon for attacking and gaining power over people, in a sense… a form of rape itself.


P.S. You know, I don't even identify as trans most of the time. I've mostly forgotten about it (except when I use the bathroom), the only time people identify me as trans, is when they're using it as a weapon against me.

P.P.S. This can not seriously be the official MWMF LiveJournal community, right, right? http://community.livejournal.com/michfest/profile

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¹ What with working twice as hard as a man, for half the credit, because I'm a woman.
² I know this strikes most of you as being absurd, and it certainly strikes me as absurd, but there are people who very seriously believe this, which I still find hard to believe.
³ No, I don't want to talk about it, you may notice however that I'm still alive.

SF Trans March 2008 I don't have time to write about stuff now. D300, photo, June 2008, San Francisco, California, CA, Dolores Park, gay, LGBT, Pride, Trans March, transgender Julia Wolf Julia Wolf image/jpeg 2008 ( Read more... )

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I know it's just a physiological reaction to pain, but I can't stop crying [Ok, I've stopped now as I type this.] I had another face zapping treatment, and for the amount of pain I'm feeling, I can't believe that I'm not covered in blood, or that I wasn't actually set on fire.

It took two hours, because I broke down crying in the middle of the treatment. It was like the Lidocaine was having no effect at all. This was my fourth treatment, and it was the worst of all of them. I re-applied the Lidocaine three times, and I thought that I was numb, until treatment started again. And it felt very much like having several long, deep, hairs liquefy and char, as they explode out from the pores of your skin… every second… for twenty or so seconds. (Followed by the smell of burnt popcorn.) My teeth really hurt now, because I was clenching my jaw so hard.

Now having read up on Wikipedia about the mechanism of Lidocaine, [B]locking the fast sodium (Na+) channels in the cell membrane; I suspect that the reason it had no effect on me this time, was because I've gone back on Piracetam which effects [N]eurotransmission via modulation of ion channels. So, I guess it's good to see that Piracetam isn't just an expensive Placebo.

By the way, does anyone in the SF Bay Area want to go to this: http://www.dnalounge.com/flyers/2007/02/15-meat.html tomorrow? dymaxion and artkiver were going, but it seems like the kind of thing that dv_girl might like to do (hint, hint).

[I wish Nyah was here, but I hope she's having a good time in New Orleans.]

There are about six or seven things going on this evening that I could attend. But I'm going to sit at home and sort through my photos, because I'm all tired and sore. Also Nyah is sick in bed with the cold, so I've been tending to her, and going out dancing isn't as fun without her.

I saw a new endocrinologist today, got some blood drawn for a thyroid test, spent two hours in the pharmacy to NOT get any of my prescriptions - as usual. (And for those who are going to say that my prescription is addictive, dangerous, and prone to abuse… It was for estrogen.)

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Update: oh yeah, I forgot to mention…

It has been unseasonably cold here in the bay area, for the last week. [Like 35°F] All the deciduous trees have now lost their leaves. Walking around Los Gatos, in the cold morning, looking for the office of my new doctor, brought back memories of when I started transition in Idaho - almost exactly seven years ago this month. I had thought that I would be done with all of this by now. It seems like I'm no further along now than I was then (in fact, I think that I actually used to pass better back then).

I feel like I'm starting all over again.

The morning after I made this post: http://foxgrrl.livejournal.com/50642.html I walked into work — that afternoon actually — and was making random chit-chat with a coworker — flint_otter actually — and he said that he was reading this article on C|Net about how there was some new super-exploit already for the recent Windows vulnerability, and I'm like: Yeah, the MS06-070 one, I just wrote an exploit for it last night. And he's like, No it's something really new as of Tuesday. And I'm like, Yeah, that was MS06-070, unless one of the other ones was horribly exploitable. And he's like, Well, someone just wrote an exploit for it, and it's on the front page of C|Net. And I'm like, Um, I just wrote an exploit for it… And made a mention of it in my blog… Having been around C|Net reporters before, I know that they print a lot of hearsay and rumors from questionable sources. [And as I write this, Nyah keeps trying to tickle me → Just you wait until I write about this in my LJ! I exclaim. It's making it a bit hard to concentrate…]

So, I looked the article up…

http://news.com.com/Experts+raise+Windows+security+alarm/2100-1002_3-6136310.html

Paranoia mounting… Right now, I really don't need nameless cyclopean institutions investigating me… again. Especially, if there's suddenly a huge MS06-070 exploiting-worm outbreak. You know, it looks kinda suspicious, since I told a bunch of people that I write 0-day exploits and internet worms for a living; I might be viewed as a suspect. But I quickly figured out that they were referring to this: http://www.milw0rm.com/exploits/2789 (I still haven't published my MSF3 module anywhere.)

There was a period of time when I wasn't oppressively paranoid all the time, when I wasn't incredibly uptight and stressed out… when I wasn't pretending to be normal. It was right after I transitioned (the first time). In a way, I was really going from one box to another by going stealth - But there was a time in between, when I was outside of the rigid boxes.
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