Paranoia

[foxgrrl]

The morning after I made this post: http://foxgrrl.livejournal.com/50642.html I walked into work — that afternoon actually — and was making random chit-chat with a coworker — flint_otter actually — and he said that he was reading this article on C|Net about how there was some new super-exploit already for the recent Windows vulnerability, and I'm like: Yeah, the MS06-070 one, I just wrote an exploit for it last night. And he's like, No it's something really new as of Tuesday. And I'm like, Yeah, that was MS06-070, unless one of the other ones was horribly exploitable. And he's like, Well, someone just wrote an exploit for it, and it's on the front page of C|Net. And I'm like, Um, I just wrote an exploit for it… And made a mention of it in my blog… Having been around C|Net reporters before, I know that they print a lot of hearsay and rumors from questionable sources. [And as I write this, Nyah keeps trying to tickle me → Just you wait until I write about this in my LJ! I exclaim. It's making it a bit hard to concentrate…]

So, I looked the article up…

http://news.com.com/Experts+raise+Windows+security+alarm/2100-1002_3-6136310.html

Paranoia mounting… Right now, I really don't need nameless cyclopean institutions investigating me… again. Especially, if there's suddenly a huge MS06-070 exploiting-worm outbreak. You know, it looks kinda suspicious, since I told a bunch of people that I write 0-day exploits and internet worms for a living; I might be viewed as a suspect. But I quickly figured out that they were referring to this: http://www.milw0rm.com/exploits/2789 (I still haven't published my MSF3 module anywhere.)

There was a period of time when I wasn't oppressively paranoid all the time, when I wasn't incredibly uptight and stressed out… when I wasn't pretending to be normal. It was right after I transitioned (the first time). In a way, I was really going from one box to another by going stealth - But there was a time in between, when I was outside of the rigid boxes.

Oh yeah, for those of you who didn't know, I'm a MtFtMtWtF transsexual.

What with her being a genderqueer hacker and everything…
or her being a genderqueer lesbian hacker…
or her being a genderqueer lesbian furry hacker…
or her being a genderqueer lesbian pagan furry hacker…
or her being a genderqueer lesbian otherkin pagan furry hacker…
or her being a left-handed genderqueer lesbian otherkin pagan furry hacker…

…life can be pretty difficult on that young lady.

Comments

[proudlyfallen.livejournal.com]

It does get your point across, thank you, but here's my next question: What's a therian?

And in my experience, no one can ever be labelled accurately. In one of my "I want to be normal!" phases back in high school, a very intelligent friend of mine pointed out that there was no such thing as normal, because "normal" is nothing more than the concept of an average. No one is ever average.

What article are you writing? And for what magazine? *is interested*

And back to the people connecting for a minute... as an overall trend that may be, but in my experience people do connect, when it comes down to it. I helped a friend of mine move out of his NYC apartment, and while we're wrestling the couch down the narrow little stairway, a girl comes down crying... Her bunny had broken his foot. We calmed her down, and got her to the corner where the vet was. I walked down after we moved the couch to make sure she got into the vet alright, and things were being taken care of. My friend told me if I hadn't volunteered to go, he would've gone down himself.

So it may be HARDER to connect to people nowadays, but it does happen. I think the real issue is where to go from there? You can smile at someone on the street, or talk to someone in a club, but all the rules of etiquette (how to talk to someone, what to say, hell, even what to wear to a funeral!) are all changing significantly. No one knows the rules for how to interact, so they keep it to a superficial "hi, have a nice day" level.

[oygevalte.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I sometimes forget not everyone connected with these circles knows these terms; then again, I didn't know them much myself until about 8 months ago. :D The answer you seek lies here.

While I know that no one fits into neatly-defined categories, most people can get close enough to have stable friendships with a sense of significant common bond, and few misunderstandings when it comes to the whatever subject is the foundation of the relationship. OTOH, I generally feel fairly alienated from any given group; I seem to do most everything differently than others. I got a little consensus on motorcycles, but most of those friendships are fairly shallow and can't be counted on. Males socializing for the sake of socializing, they'll eat their young if they have half a chance. Forget about a wounded "comrade"; they just became lunch. On all other fronts, I'm perpetually the rare zebra; when I find other zebras, my stripes are so far out of whack from theirs that they just stare and figure I can't possibly be a zebra "like them". I dunno. I catch a trememndous amount of flak for who I am, how I think, what I feel... And it's basically always been that way. I can't really imagine that changing any time RSN.

I am currenly writing an article on the technology of waterproof clothing (in this specific case, for motorcycles, but the science works the same on hiking or rock climbing or ski gear). This is for CityBike, which is a free newsprint-based monthly motorcycling magazine available in the SF Bay area. It's amazing how poorly some of the "industry standard" things like Gore-Tex actually work, and how horribly polluting their manufacture is; I think my article is going to get a lot of critical attention (and will probably cause some outrage at some point), but I'd rather print difficult truths than sell out my ethics.

I guess maybe I somehow find myself getting the ones who expect soemthing unnnamed in return for their kindnesses, and then punish me when they don't get it. That, and I get blown off a lot. I've learned that when it comes to government and businesses, they probably don't give two shits about me anyway, so I make myself a gadfly to get what they are supposed to be giving (like warranty replacement, or food stamps, or whatever). People who get really connected never seem to stay very connected to me for very long. I wish I knew why.

I think fewer people are connecting, and that's especially easy to see when you look at a suburban community today vs. in the late 50s, as an example. Everyone knew their neighbors, doors got left unlocked, people all looked out for each other and helped each other much, much more than today. I think most people in America probably can't tell me the names of their neighbors today, have little sense of community except when it comes to things they think they're entitled to... That sort of thing. People no longer have that meshwork around them for context and a safety net like they did once upon a time. That's what Burning Man is... Sort of a once a year "neighborhood" for the like-minded to live in together. Things form to fill the vacuum...

My problem is I never know what anyone ELSE'S rules are for interacting. Which means I go by my observations and my own whims. And it's not uncommon to end up with some frowning people on the other end, for whatever reason...

[proudlyfallen.livejournal.com]

Behind me -- They just moved in last year, and have two little kids, and a small white terrier. On my left -- the oldest daughter graduated from Harvard a while ago on a lacrosse scholarship. The mom's father passed away a couple weeks ago. Turn right out of my driveway, and my friend Simone lives on the far corner of the stop sign. (She's one of the little girls I watch out for) Take a left at the stop sign, and the older of the two neighboorhood drug dealers lives down that street. Take a right instead, and Lauren, her mom Leah, and her dad live down there, along with another UMass professor my father knows. Turn left out of my driveway, and down the next street is my brother's best friend, one of my old stalkers, and my elementary school art teacher.

When my Gatito got out of the house the other day, Pam called to let us know she saw him stalking around her backyard, and wanted to make sure he got home safe.

My point is that, at least in this part of the country, people DO know their neighboors. That's still not enough. There's gotta be something else we're missing.

... I think I forgot where I was going with this... sorry.

And yeah, I know what you mean about the rules for interactions. Whatever happened to standard etiquette? I know a lot of it's changed, but still, that shouldn't stop some kind of standard from evolving. Most people can't tell the difference between a salad fork and a desert fork, for example... but that's not usually important anymore. I keep hoping that we're just in the middle of major change... and my hope is that I live long enough to see it stabilized again. Even if it ends up being based off of things like "should I call or IM my crush?"

[oygevalte.livejournal.com]

That's pretty amazing. I get the feeling that your neighborhood is maybe the exception rather than the rule any more. I've never lived in an environment like that, and I've lived all over the country, rural and urban... New York (capital city, NYC, and rural farmland), Vermont, New Hampshire, central Iowa, Atlanta area, San Diego, all over the SF Bay (mostly east bay), Olympia WA with a lot of time spent in Seattle, and now up north along the coast with the rednecks and hippies.

I try to be polite, say please and thank you, wait for others to finish speaking and apologize if I accidentally cut someone off... I get out of the fast lane to let faster cars by, and I move over to let merging traffic in on the freeway (both of those are actually required by law in California, but are never enforced). I write thank-you letters. To me, it's just a Golden Rule kind of thing, you know? As my mother (gag) always said, "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"...

As to friendship and boundaries, communication with friends and lovers, unspoken truths, etc., I've never had a stable set of rules provided to me. Usually the rules change in what seems a random fashion from my POV, and I can never keep up, especially without communucation. And I seem to get involved with a lot of people who can communicate just fine when they are reading words on a screen and there's an intarweb between us, and then go hopelessly silent IRL. You can imagine what happens after that... *shudder*

[proudlyfallen.livejournal.com]

Hehe, yes, I can imagine what happens after that, quite well, because I am one of those people! lol.

I live in New England, and yet, when I see "capital city of New York" I still think NYC. >.< Whoops. Actually, I was in Albany a month or so ago... when it got compared to a skyline straight out of Star Wars. Between that, and the fact that people will give you directions to go through a parking garage, Albany just confuses me.

I've been in parts of NYC where people WERE friendly and knew their neighboors. Hell, I knew some of the people around there, and I just went down for weekends and tended to stay in the apartment. Where in NYC did you live?

[oygevalte.livejournal.com]

True, there are tight-knit neighborhoods still in NYC, but they are disappearing fast. There's a lot of discussion about that in NYT articles over the past 10 years or so.

Yes, Albany's state office buildings downtown are very Star Wars-ish. :) I had sex once on the groomed lawn area next to the freeway stub/parking garage, where the parking garage fan fens are. ;) I love the thrill of almost getting caught. XD

And at least you KNOW you're like that, which means you're able to work on improving it, and apologizing when it screws things up to whatever degree; most of mine never were aware, never apologized, and ultimately either ran away out of fear of facing that in themselves, or convinced themselves it weren't their fault...

[proudlyfallen.livejournal.com]

Do you know anyone who actually transforms? Or could Therian refer to astral states as well? (I know plenty of werewolves around here, but as far as I know none of them physically transform, beyond little tell-tales like "fairy eyes" and always smelling like the forest.)

[oygevalte.livejournal.com]

Therians, as I understand it, range from those who feel they have an animal spirit in them that makes them part animal, but don't transform, to those who lucid dream/have sleep paralysis where they control their dreams and take animal form, to those who actually believe they transform physically, or at least that's what they tell other people. The therians I have known tend to be extremely skeptical of claims of transformation, both of the claims and the sanity of the claimer. ;) If someone was going to pigeonhole me, I'd probably come down on the therian side of things, on the moderate end (Native American-style animal totem/spirit guide). I consider therian to be a subset of otherkin, although I think there are a lot of therians who feel they are substantially different from most other-otherkin.

It's like trying to describe my sexual orientation and gender identity... It would take days, and you'd probably be more confused after than before. :p

[proudlyfallen.livejournal.com]

The lucid dreaming... do you mean dreamwalkers, or something else? (One of my good friends is a dreamwalker -- the first time he showed up in my bedroom while I was awake he scared the living daylights out of me.)

Another question... does otherkin refer to physical attributes, (fairy eyes, natural fangs, physical signs of vampirism, mood-dependant eye color, etc) or just astral stuff? (Sorry to ask so many questions, but you're just being so helpful! And honestly, until a few months ago, I didn't know all this was so well-known -- I thought my little community of various cats, wolves, coyotes, and vampire sub-types was unusual!)

[oygevalte.livejournal.com]

Similar to dreamwalkers. The ones I know control their dreams as if they are conscious, and can do things and go places in the "real" world via their dreams, but it's generally a personal thing, not a "visit other people while they are sleeping" kinda thing. I dealt with a VERY curious form of that with one of my exes, in fact.

Otherkin generally have it all "internal", but if you believe in psychic energy, it is said they can "read" less as humans and more as other things. Some otherkin decorate themselves with various things (fairy wings, cat-eye contact lenses, what have you), but that's more an outward expression, I think, than a necessity or part of their identity they couldn't live without.

And those who are reading this (if anyone), jump in any time if you have a different viewpoint. My experience here is very limited, and I may not be accurately portraying the greater community as a whole.

[proudlyfallen.livejournal.com]

... I don't think I'd think very highly of anyone who used colored contacts to identify as "other". Especially as I'll use eye color to confirm suspicions I have. (It's unusually accurate, compared to, say... asking... lol)

I doubt anyone else is still following this. Most people on LJ tend to check their friends page and then move on. (At least, that's what I've noticed)

[oygevalte.livejournal.com]

Well, that would separate the play actors from those who believe they are other... The play actors have nothing beyond the costume, while the "believers" might enhance their appearance to reinforce their feelings/belief or to be more readily identifiable to others. But hey, I'm not one to pass judgment on folks for how they do what they do... Only if they try to make others believe they're something that they're not.

Now you have me wanting to give you a photo of my eyes to be "analyzed". ;)

[proudlyfallen.livejournal.com]

Heh, if you want to, feel free! My e-mail is on my profile. ;-)