Poly Musings

[foxgrrl]

[I don't have a lot of time, so I'll keep this brief.]

Recently, several friends of mine [probably reading this now], and I, have been trying to figure out if we are officially dating or not. I'm currently in a relationship with Nyah [whimsywanderer], and I don't want to leave her, but society has taught me from birth to be insanely devoted to your only partner. And that cheating on your partner is the more horribly unimaginable crime ever — grounds for murder and divorce. Some of the other people involved are also in their own open/poly relationships, so it's ok for them to date me… But I still fear that I'm comiting some horrible crime against their other partners.

Comments

[uncledark.livejournal.com]

If it's not against the rules, how can it be cheating?

What I have found works for me and mine is to get to know your sweetie's other partners socially. Hang out in groups. Become friends. That way, you will be able to see that they are not hurt or angered by your dating their sweetie.

In fact, I have found that dating someone but not becoming at least friendly, if not friends, with their other sweeties will eventually doom the relationship.

[solarbird]

If it's not against the rules, how can it be cheating?
dingdingdingdingWINNAH

For those who are new to this sort of thing or are just not very good at it yet, there are some obvious rules, like 1. Never lie. And also, 2. Never lie. And oh yeah, 3. Never lie. And "not lying" includes "not hiding things, either." Positive reassurance from the other people involved in whatever relationship graph might be created is also very helpful. Also is reassurance to your other partners that you aren't going away. So that means, yeah, you should get to know and hopefully like the other people involved indirectly, too, and you're gonna talk about all this probably a lot.

So. There. Relax. Don't compress feelings (good _and_ bad) and try to keep a rational bead on top of everything, if that makes any sense to you. Then? Fun and healthful! Recommended. But only if you can do all of these things.

[ivy]

I mostly agree with this, with the modifier that sometimes you just do end up finding your partner's other partners gratingly annoying. When that happens, I think the thing to do is to be polite when you happen to be in the same place, but to try to not schedule many events where you're forced to spend time with this person that you can't stand. That's just bad for everyone.

This is also going to shift some, depending on the dynamics of each particular relationship. Many of my friends that do the primary/secondary model have higher standards for "you must get along with my primary" than they do for "you must get along with this person I see every eight months". (I don't do primary/secondary, so it's irrelevant for me, but I've seen it a lot in other peoples' parsing.)

For me, basic courtesy is the low bar. It's best and easiest when everyone likes each other, gets along well, and becomes friends, but that's not always possible.

[roadknight.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, BTDT, unfortunately. It broke my heart to do so, but I require basic courtesy and politeness between partners, so I had to send someone packing under these same circumstances almost a year ago.

[ivy]

I think your "friendly" may be my "polite". (I don't like them, but I can be civil to them so as to ease social interaction.)

I have been in situations where I couldn't find some level of respect for my partner's other partner. That was awful, because yeah, it triggers a lot of tension between me and my partner. They will inevitably defend the other person, because clearly THEY see something worthwhile there if they're dating. (For that matter, I've had this happen with friends, too, where I hated their chosen partner because my friend was being treated so poorly and disrespectfully. Friend also inevitably defends chosen partner.) It basically cannot be argued with. In situations like that, I have largely found that I have two choices. 1) Shut up, 2) Leave. I've never handed down a "them or me!" ultimatum, but I have several times left situations that I found untenable. When this sort of thing happens, I am generally the one to go, voluntarily or otherwise.

[sheekayt.livejournal.com]

Wow, you said pretty much everything I was going to.
But I'm posting anyway.