Another post from my phone

[foxgrrl]

Something that I'm not sure of how to deal with, are people who are extremely reluctant to try anything new. Like if there is something that is special and wonderous for me, and I want to share it with someone, they'll be like "But what if I won't like that." and I'm like: "the future hasn't happened yet, and it's my favorite thing." and so I bring them to the special thing, and they complain biterly the whole time. Like if I bring them to my favorite restaurant, they go on and on about how horrible the food is. Because it's not just like McDonnalds. Or if I bring them hiking to my favorite woods, etc. They'll complain about the trees. Or complain about the sand at the beach, and all that horrible sunlight, etc.

I want to shake some sense into these people and tell them: "Listen! The person making your life horrible is you. You're the one calling everything horrible wherever you go."

What I really want if for them to enjoy themsevles and have fun.

EDIT: I was distracted and forgot to mention that from the moment the question is asked, they've alredy decided to hate it, long before the activity happens. (They'll go on and on about how horrible it's going to be.)

EDIT 2: This wasn't neccesarilly about just getting people to try new foods. There is an implicit message that underlies this mode of communication that the entire world should be absolutely safe and comfortable. Conversations will go like:
(Person travels thousands of miles to California for the first time.)
"Hey, have you ever seen the Pacific Ocean?"
"No"
"Would you like to?"
"Yes."
"Ok, well let's go now since it's the only opportunity before you leave."
"But what if your car breaks down?"
"Well, it's brand new, in good maintainence, has never had a failure to date, and I have roadside assistance anyway."
"But what if (some other unlikely problem)."
"(Not a problem)"
[Iterate pattern.]
"Ok let's do something else here while you have the opportunity. How about [local thingy]?
"But what if (another trivial problem)?"


Aargh, these arn't horribly grave problems, nor dangerous risks.

Comments

[alfrecht.livejournal.com]

Wow, that doesn't sound familiar to me at all...

*cough, cough--EX BOYFRIEND--cough, cough...*

[foxgrrl]

The examples are from one of my ex-GFs.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

...sounds like a good reason for her to be ex.

[foxgrrl]

There were some more severe reasons why I dumped her. But this was amount them.

I still deal with people like this from time to time, I'm not sure how I can help them.

[uncledark.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure you can, or should, help them. It's not something that will change as soon as they realize that they're wrong. For that matter, it may not be wrong, given whatever they're dealing with.

It is certainly annoying, and can hurt a relationship in several ways. I get that, have been there, got the t-shirt...

But, I must confess, I've also been that bitchy person. When I'm depressed, worn out, or angry or scared for reasons entirely unrelated to the new thing, I want the comfort of the familiar. Demands that I share in the new feel more like "demands" than "sharing," no matter how they're meant.

I try to not be bad about it, but that aspect is still there.

[foxgrrl]

I find myself reaching the point where when I hear:
"But what if I get hurt." (Only several hundred million people over the last century have done it and survived.)
"But what if I don't like it."
"But what if it's too hot/cold."
"But what if my hair gets messed up."
"But what if your car breaks down."
"But what if I go crazy."
"But what if it smells bad."
"But what if your pretty shinny thing is really ugly."
"But what if eveyone hates me."
"But what if we're kidnapped by pirates." (Unfortunately no one has been this creative.)
"But what if [some incredibly improbable thing] happens."

... I just want to grab them and say: "Look! These are the bars of the prison that holds you! You built them and you are the only one keeping yourself trapped. Break free and live dammit!"

[uncledark.livejournal.com]

Like I said, I understand the frustration. But it isn't my place to make them grow, is it? Who says I know better than they what they can or cannot take?

[ivy]

I think the point of sanity for that sort of thing is just to flatly say "I don't want to do $foo". Rather than setting up reasons which can be knocked down, just expressing "I'm tired and I don't want a growth experience today, I want a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup" seems simpler. Or from the other side, a non-resentful "if you don't want to, just say so, that's okay". And then I go find people who *do* want to do $interesting_fun_thing with me.

(My experience with this is grounded in being a raging extrovert dating two raging introverts. [grin] We all had to come to that sort of balance long ago, or we'd have driven each other mad by now. I learn to hear "no", they learn to say "yes" when they really feel like it, not because they think they have to please me. But if they say no, they have to not resent me going and doing it with someone else. I'm sure it wouldn't work for everyone, but it's good for us.)

[uncledark.livejournal.com]

Yes. That.

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

I think it's normal to be like this in some arenas - I, for instance, am desperately uninterested in new food experiences. But being like that about everything is just... blah.

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

*hug* :) I'm so glad you said it. :) I was biting my tongue not ranting about your eating habits. When we lived together, that was the one thing about you that just drove me completely utterly bonkers. :)

[tracerj.livejournal.com]

This is something that I deal with in three separate directions with my roomies. One can't do fish or vegetables (don't ask why) meaning her diet is basically strongly opposite mine. Another has a very limited range of food styles that she'll eat, most of which are things that just don't excite me at all. My wife is fairly flexible, but sometimes getting her to be adventurous in food is like pulling teeth from moai heads. (Usually, I just end up finding a situation in which she can get something comfortable and I get something 'crazy', and then convince her to try a little, and wait for her to decide it's a worthy experiment. I did this recently with borscht. She ended up liking it more than what she ordered.)

I guess I've just fallen into a pattern of offering some of what I'm having and accepting refusal. Still, it can be a pain in the butt when we try to coordinate food for all of us, and I'm tired of ending up at crappy generic chain restaurants. We're all driving each other nuts!

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Hee. I am perfectly aware that I am annoyingly boring in my eating habits, and generally not open to experimentation! I am still a picky eater, and I don't think being really broke helped - I'm just not interested in experimentation; I'd rather have something I know I can eat without complicated work, or the risk of it being nasty but having to eat it anyway.

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

, she said to the loon that just finished identifying yet another non-edible mushroom that she'd considered putting in her mouth...

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that while the majority of mushrooms aren't deadly poison and many are edible, the universe is filled with millions of the half-dozen non-edible-really-boring-types.

They're a lot like people in that regard.

[t-bellwether.livejournal.com]

Totally with ya on that one. It's a special pet peeve of mine. ("Yo stupid! You're the one being the stinkbomb, not the pretty tree! *RAZZZ*" ;-) )

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

I admit I am guilty of this sometimes. I suspect everyone may be on some things. I've try to keep the mindset that I'll try anything twice. (Because once could be a bad sample and twice makes that half as likely) but there are some things I'm very resistant to liking.

Tartar sauce comes to mind. I hate the stuff and I know I'm going to hate it before I even try it.

More seriously though, religions, politics, and (to a lesser degree) gender are situations where I can feel my mind snap to a defensive position. If I see a McCain 08 sticker on a car the immediate thought in my mind is "What an idiot." and it's very hard for me to see past that and not completely discount that person entirely. I have a similar response to those stupid Large-Jesus-fish-eating-small-Darwin-fish (which is ironically Darwinistic if you think about it) thingies. I don't _like_ that I have that sort of reaction and when I realize I have that sort of response, I try to deprogram it but it's definitely there. I know I'm not the person you're specifically speaking about here but I do feel a little guilty because I know I am like that sometimes on some topics.

I suppose that, to play Devil's advocate, it's fair to mention that we should also consider where someone else's comfort zone is and what sort of issues they may have had. I have had some VERY bad experiences with men in the past. For a period of several years in my life, I wouldn't let anyone male know where I lived, let alone invite them in for tea. I think you knew me back then. You may remember what I was like. I wasn't willing to give men a chance at all. I _still_ have trust issues with men and am somewhat phobic of being around strange men or in private spaces with them. I am trying to overcome this and while one of my closest friends is male, I still find myself a lot more likely to instantly dislike men and think ill of them. :(

For what it's worth, I think that 'going grudgingly' isn't entirely bad. Yeah. It's annoying and ruins everyone else's time but... It also means that the person is at least willing to experience whatever it is and that means they aren't totally closed to thinking about it. I was a total bitch the first Furry convention I went to. I stomped around in my motorcycle gear and glared at everyone and... had a good time despite myself and the following year, I found I was sort of looking forward to it though I still grumbled about it to appease my high-and-might-snobbery.

Then again, I suppose there are people that just like to complain. I can think of a number of famous people who've actually made their career out of going to things and hating them. Those are the ones you have to avoid I guess. I just don't know how to easily identify them.

[anaisdjuna.livejournal.com]

Srsly! I begged my sister to come see me when I had an apartment in Paris and Amsterdam and she did not and would not do it. I was in Barcelona with a friend and we almost came to blows over eating tapas at an outdoor cafe (my idea) or eating inside an airconditioned Pizza Hut (his). We compromised by eating PHut sitting outside on a fountain in front of a Gaudi designed building.

[laughingstone.livejournal.com]

oooh! ooohh! *raises hand*

i read your post my thoughts were, "take me to your favorite wilderness spot or your favorite restaurant!".

i'm one of those people who LOVES trying new things. that's what my life is all about - exploration, change, discovery.

and yes i can't really identify with those who are scared or indifferent to trying something different.

[ivy]

Yes, this. I am generally up for adventure, and one of my favorite things about you, foxgrrl, is that you generally are too. (Remember Mexico? [grin]) I take particular joy in sharing them with likeminded people. But when I realize that I can't or wouldn't enjoy something (frex, naked Berlin), I will just cheerfully opt out and let everyone else enjoy it. But building up your own prison rather than saying "nah, maybe next time, call me when you're done and we'll have tea" or ruining it for everyone else by going and grousing the whole time is sucktastic.

[hasufin.livejournal.com]

Playing Legal Beagle to the Ultimate Evil for a moment, it seems that you're not being all that respectful of others' comfort zones.
While they do probably have an obligation to be more forthright about it, you on the other hand have an obligation to accept that some people just don't want to do certain things, and let be about it.

I an find it frustrating too - I once had a devout Muslim co-worker who, even when at a Muslim Chinese restaurant and presented with the opportunity to have halal duck and goat - things he would otherwise never get a chance to try - consistently settled on chicken fried rice every time. And while I don't think highly of him for taking such an unadventurous route, it was in fact his decision and I had no right to pressure him to change just because my beliefs hold that one should expand horizons when possible.

[anaisdjuna.livejournal.com]

Lotsa bits here....

One. It's about who you hang with. Give 'em a few chances on a few variables & if you still get this... They aren't made to be doing too much hanging with your fabulous adventurous self. Selection is key. You'll know in what ways you can enjoy what you enjoy with them and beyond that... nada. Save your pearls for other species.

Some stuff is just their stuff. If you were to want to take me to your favorite exotic cockroach farm, I'd be like... and what if I pee my pants and lose my mind & never come back. No thank you.

However, I'm up for eating most weird stuff except freaky parts. Doing stuff that is not extremely dangerous, and general wilin' out esp. when it comes to exotic psych and sociology.

So when they get boring..... Invite me somewhere :-)

[avar1c3.livejournal.com]

I realize this isn't the most helpful, but heartfelt: burn them. Burn them with fire.

People who aren't making the most of their time don't deserve any of yours.

[ivy]

Despite my reasoned, polite comments above, I must admit a giggling personal sympathy <3 for this comment. [grin]

[aestetix.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

I hate that attitude. Taking risks is the only way to grow as a person. I know some people who are terrified to get out of bed, because [what if].

On the other hand, sometimes it's double or nothing, and that can be scary. Being adventurous can be nervewracking if you have a lot to loose.

But gazing at the fucking ocean?!?

[quorpencetta.livejournal.com]

RAW called it neophilia vs. neophobia. Maude (from my favorite movie Harold and Maude) said trying a new thing every day keeps you young. And if age is a state of mind, then I could see how the mental exercise of a new experience could keep you energized and learning throughout your life. I personally have found millions of beautiful things in life by going into new experiences with an open mind. Finding beauty is part of what I consider The Point, so its hard for me to see why people would back away from that. But then, perhaps neophobia is an experience I have backed away from, from fear of its consequences, myself.