Poly Musings

[foxgrrl]

[I don't have a lot of time, so I'll keep this brief.]

Recently, several friends of mine [probably reading this now], and I, have been trying to figure out if we are officially dating or not. I'm currently in a relationship with Nyah [whimsywanderer], and I don't want to leave her, but society has taught me from birth to be insanely devoted to your only partner. And that cheating on your partner is the more horribly unimaginable crime ever — grounds for murder and divorce. Some of the other people involved are also in their own open/poly relationships, so it's ok for them to date me… But I still fear that I'm comiting some horrible crime against their other partners.

Comments

Re: Speaking as a non-poly person

[axonfuel.livejournal.com]

Your analogy made me think of relationships in little browser tabs. :>

Re: Speaking as a non-poly person

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

It's not the world's worst analogy. One of the things I've discovered in my poly relationships, with enochsmiles and others, is that while love may be an infinite resource, time and attention are not. Sure, there are times when all N people in a relationship will spend time together / have sex together / whatever, but in my experience, that's generally not the majority of the time. (Maybe there are some people for whom it does work out like that. I'm not one of them.) So it can be difficult to manage one's time in such a way that one's partners aren't feeling neglected. (I suspect this is even more of an issue in V-shaped relationships, where the two ends of the V are only involved with the centre point.)

Taken to the extreme, this can sometimes lead to situations where one is poly in principle but monogamous by dint of not wanting to hurt a potential other partner through inability to commit one's time. (I find myself in this situation at the moment, but I've also brought it on myself by way of a completely fucking insane work/travel schedule.)

Re: Speaking as a non-poly person

[ivy]

I second this. Time and attention are the limiting factors for me, for sure. I also need big chunks of time for personal solitude, my interests, and hobbies. I become queen bitchy if I don't get them. I have to carve out another relationship's worth of time for myself. I am unlikely to ever be one of the folks with six girlfriends... I just don't have the bandwidth. (I admire people who can do it successfully, but I am time-division multiplexed over a relatively few number of channels. [grin])

I think it's a mixture of knowing yourself, what you can and cannot deal with, and communicating with your partners to make sure that you're all on the same page (or at least in the same chapter).

Re: Speaking as a non-poly person

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

I am time-division multiplexed over a relatively few number of channels.

FTW and I am stealing this.

Re: Speaking as a non-poly person

[ivy]

[laughs] Have at it; glad it amused.

Re: Speaking as a non-poly person

[axonfuel.livejournal.com]

*avoids prurient joke about seeders*