Relationship Confusion
Apr. 16th, 2006 04:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
foxgrrlEvery few years, I will meet someone, whom I want to accompany me to dance parties, and the beach, and cross-country trips, and to introduce to everyone I meet, and to snuggle with at night...
and to dance in the pale moonlight...
and to run through the woods with fairy wings on our backs...
and to jump up on the tables in cafes, screaming gibberish at the tourists...
Whenever I think of them I get butterflies in my stomach. And whenever I touch them, the physical pain stops, and I am filled with warmth.
when they are sad, I want to make them happy...
when they hurt, I want to make them well...
when I am sad, I want them with me...
when I am happy, I want them with me...
Is this just a friendship, or something else?
[I did not intend for this to be just directed to you, Nyah. Aimee told me yesterday that, she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore, and that we should just be good friends. So, I'm not 'officially' in a relationship with anyone as of now.]
Aren't the words: "Friend", "Boyfriend", and "Girlfriend", just arbitrary labels created by this society, which dictates who and how you can associate with people? Is there some kind of ISO standard for a "Girlfriend" that I am not aware of? I never dated anyone in High School, so I never learned all of the courtship rituals of: "First you do $foo, then you are $bar. Next you do $buz, then you are officially $qux... If $squee happens, then you go back to being $squibble."
I've been getting older my entire life, and someday I'll reach the end of it. I'm already starting to regret not saying the words I wish I could have told people when I had the chance... Before either of us has died. Impulsively, I called my father on the phone yesterday (I hadn't spoken to him for a while). He was visiting New Mexico to be with an old family freind who had just had a brain tumor removed. I was quite surprised when he told me that: "Some people think that the goal of life is to work alot and make alot of money. They're wrong; The goal of life is to have as much fun as possible, for as long as possible." I wish I could tell him how much I love him.
and to dance in the pale moonlight...
and to run through the woods with fairy wings on our backs...
and to jump up on the tables in cafes, screaming gibberish at the tourists...
Whenever I think of them I get butterflies in my stomach. And whenever I touch them, the physical pain stops, and I am filled with warmth.
when they are sad, I want to make them happy...
when they hurt, I want to make them well...
when I am sad, I want them with me...
when I am happy, I want them with me...
Is this just a friendship, or something else?
[I did not intend for this to be just directed to you, Nyah. Aimee told me yesterday that, she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore, and that we should just be good friends. So, I'm not 'officially' in a relationship with anyone as of now.]
Aren't the words: "Friend", "Boyfriend", and "Girlfriend", just arbitrary labels created by this society, which dictates who and how you can associate with people? Is there some kind of ISO standard for a "Girlfriend" that I am not aware of? I never dated anyone in High School, so I never learned all of the courtship rituals of: "First you do $foo, then you are $bar. Next you do $buz, then you are officially $qux... If $squee happens, then you go back to being $squibble."
I've been getting older my entire life, and someday I'll reach the end of it. I'm already starting to regret not saying the words I wish I could have told people when I had the chance... Before either of us has died. Impulsively, I called my father on the phone yesterday (I hadn't spoken to him for a while). He was visiting New Mexico to be with an old family freind who had just had a brain tumor removed. I was quite surprised when he told me that: "Some people think that the goal of life is to work alot and make alot of money. They're wrong; The goal of life is to have as much fun as possible, for as long as possible." I wish I could tell him how much I love him.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-17 07:51 am (UTC)I am just starting to date at the age of 33, so am learning courtship rituals now. I understand your frustration.
I remember how much I hurt when my first g/f broke up with me. The pain was incredible...I hurt so damned badly. I am sorry for any pain you feel right now, any emptiness. It is not a good space to occupy.
Reading the feelings you expressed in this post reminded me of how I feel about Jenny (g/f #2). The sun rises & sets on her. I'd do anything (even wear a kilt) to make her happy. Nothing is good enough for her, not even me.
I've seen the bad side of people, of life, of death. I live each day, each moment, like it is my last. My Dad told me we only get one shot to live a moment, then it's gone forever. After going to hell & back, I know he is right; I live my life like this. Money, fame, fortune...in the long run mean not much. What does is finding happiness, having friends, knowing love...those three things are the difference between living & existing. I wasted over 3 decades existing; the year I've spent living is worth all the existing years combined.
This pain will pass. In the interim, for what little that is worth, my heart goes out to you. Someday some very fortunate person will get the infinite pleasure & opportunity of sharing the gift of your love.