Relationship Confusion

[foxgrrl]

Every few years, I will meet someone, whom I want to accompany me to dance parties, and the beach, and cross-country trips, and to introduce to everyone I meet, and to snuggle with at night...
and to dance in the pale moonlight...
and to run through the woods with fairy wings on our backs...
and to jump up on the tables in cafes, screaming gibberish at the tourists...

Whenever I think of them I get butterflies in my stomach. And whenever I touch them, the physical pain stops, and I am filled with warmth.

when they are sad, I want to make them happy...
when they hurt, I want to make them well...
when I am sad, I want them with me...
when I am happy, I want them with me...

Is this just a friendship, or something else?

[I did not intend for this to be just directed to you, Nyah. Aimee told me yesterday that, she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore, and that we should just be good friends. So, I'm not 'officially' in a relationship with anyone as of now.]

Aren't the words: "Friend", "Boyfriend", and "Girlfriend", just arbitrary labels created by this society, which dictates who and how you can associate with people? Is there some kind of ISO standard for a "Girlfriend" that I am not aware of? I never dated anyone in High School, so I never learned all of the courtship rituals of: "First you do $foo, then you are $bar. Next you do $buz, then you are officially $qux... If $squee happens, then you go back to being $squibble."

I've been getting older my entire life, and someday I'll reach the end of it. I'm already starting to regret not saying the words I wish I could have told people when I had the chance... Before either of us has died. Impulsively, I called my father on the phone yesterday (I hadn't spoken to him for a while). He was visiting New Mexico to be with an old family freind who had just had a brain tumor removed. I was quite surprised when he told me that: "Some people think that the goal of life is to work alot and make alot of money. They're wrong; The goal of life is to have as much fun as possible, for as long as possible." I wish I could tell him how much I love him.

Comments

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

Well, it also sounds more than a little bit like us.

[dymaxion.livejournal.com]

Hee, that's a very amusing entry.

[foxgrrl]

Limerence

Wow, now an innocent crush seems really creepy. I wonder if I should see a shrink about this. Maybe they can give me some kind of drug to make me stop loving. Then I can focus on a life-long dead-end career of middle management.

... or not.

After reading that, I'm now afraid to think about "the limerent object".

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

Aren't the words: "Friend", "Boyfriend", and "Girlfriend", just arbitrary labels created by this society

Worse than that, they're arbitrary labels that mean totally different things to different people. By the time I met enochsmiles, I was sufficiently frustrated with being emotionally and sexually involved with people who were clearly quite happy to be emotionally and sexually involved with me as long as they didn't have to hang a name on it or display its existence to anyone else that I said, "As far as I'm concerned we could open the dictionary, pick out the first verb on the page, and call it that, and I'd be happy."

But, yeah, it's frustrating for those of us whose mental hashtables can't have anonymous entries.

[ivy]

It's also complicated by the fact that some people will use the lack of a label to mean "not serious" or "I'm not held to anything so I can do what I want". I went through an early period where I *insisted* on being someone's "girlfriend" because I'd had several relationships where I thought I had emotional resonance to someone, and they thought I was a convenient person to bed who had no stake in their heart. If they wouldn't call me their girlfriend, I had an easier time figuring out when they didn't want to admit to me/weren't as interested in me as I was in them.

Then I went through a period where I didn't want to be any verb in particular, as social definitions seemed too limiting or contradictory to what I wanted.

Aah. [rueful grin]

I think the common thread is that I wanted clarity and understanding. The finding or lack thereof is often a function of finding the right people. Still pretty damn hard, though.

[dymaxion.livejournal.com]

At various times, I've been in relationships where it was mutually agreed upon that we would not apply lables to the relationship, and many, most, really of my relationships have been an ill-fit for traditional lables — Alex and I ended up deciding on "partner", which worked well enough.

Your father is spot on... it's hard to make myself really follow that advice sometimes, but I think it's really the only way to live.

I don't know you that well, or what your relationship with your father is like, but it's worth finding the way to say those things now. Fathers don't live forever... I know I wish that I'd said those things more now that I can't.

[studly-tgod.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you & Aimee broke up; you two made a cute couple.

I am just starting to date at the age of 33, so am learning courtship rituals now. I understand your frustration.

I remember how much I hurt when my first g/f broke up with me. The pain was incredible...I hurt so damned badly. I am sorry for any pain you feel right now, any emptiness. It is not a good space to occupy.

Reading the feelings you expressed in this post reminded me of how I feel about Jenny (g/f #2). The sun rises & sets on her. I'd do anything (even wear a kilt) to make her happy. Nothing is good enough for her, not even me.

I've seen the bad side of people, of life, of death. I live each day, each moment, like it is my last. My Dad told me we only get one shot to live a moment, then it's gone forever. After going to hell & back, I know he is right; I live my life like this. Money, fame, fortune...in the long run mean not much. What does is finding happiness, having friends, knowing love...those three things are the difference between living & existing. I wasted over 3 decades existing; the year I've spent living is worth all the existing years combined.

This pain will pass. In the interim, for what little that is worth, my heart goes out to you. Someday some very fortunate person will get the infinite pleasure & opportunity of sharing the gift of your love.

Arbitrary Labels

[shrikefeather.livejournal.com]

I cannot tell you how many times I've had that exact same thought.

Agreement with you on that note aside... *hugs tight*
I'm sorry people cause you so much trouble and pain, and really wish I could help you moreso.

I'd really love to hang out with you more, btw. You're missed, and that's a strange thing for me to say.

--flutter

[rosethornn.livejournal.com]

Hehe, these things are confusing... >> *hugs*

[whimsywanderer.livejournal.com]

Do such things need terms and conditions? Once again, the digital expression of an analog world breaks down. These things are always fuzzy around the edges, uncertain, strange and flowing, ever changing unknowns. Because they involves feelings, which are just like that, and other people, who complicate things even farther. I think one can never really tell where you are with someone. What someone else is feeling. But one can get an idea, and the best information usually lies between the words. And misunderstandings, overreactions, changes of perspective, and overstatements of truth all blur the lines farther.
Just a friendship? Is there anything greater?