The Zapping

Since everyone now knows that I'm trans*, there's really no point in locking these posts anymore. So, now you get to see all of the drama you've been missing.

I went to the dermatologist last night, for another round of hair removal. Supposedly, the amount of pain decreases after the first session…
No, it doesn't.
Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, or my cold returning, but my pain tolerance was lower than I had expected. At the end of the session I had noticed that my eyes had been watering quite unexpectedly. I refused to cry in the doctor's office, and I held my composure (mostly) while driving home.

When I got to my room, I sat on the bed with Nyah, and cried and sobbed for an hour or two as she held me. With the exception of dv_girl, no one had ever been there for me when I was crying. [And then I took a shower and fell asleep.]

There is something about those moments, when crying, that are linked together by their own thread. My mind returns clearly to all of the painful memories that I have blocked out during my normal daily life. Every other event in my life that has brought me to tears, that I thought I had forgotten about.

Subcutaneous Sunburn

There are about six or seven things going on this evening that I could attend. But I'm going to sit at home and sort through my photos, because I'm all tired and sore. Also Nyah is sick in bed with the cold, so I've been tending to her, and going out dancing isn't as fun without her.

I saw a new endocrinologist today, got some blood drawn for a thyroid test, spent two hours in the pharmacy to NOT get any of my prescriptions - as usual. (And for those who are going to say that my prescription is addictive, dangerous, and prone to abuse… It was for estrogen.)

---

Update: oh yeah, I forgot to mention…

It has been unseasonably cold here in the bay area, for the last week. [Like 35°F] All the deciduous trees have now lost their leaves. Walking around Los Gatos, in the cold morning, looking for the office of my new doctor, brought back memories of when I started transition in Idaho - almost exactly seven years ago this month. I had thought that I would be done with all of this by now. It seems like I'm no further along now than I was then (in fact, I think that I actually used to pass better back then).

I feel like I'm starting all over again.