Please don't make me have to kick your ass.

[foxgrrl]

No, I don't want to be your sweetie.
No, I don't want to Git to know you.
No, I don't want to hug you.
Stop touching me.
Please don't make me have to stab your eyes with my fingers.

What is it with creepy guys hitting on me everywhere I go now. It always used to happen before, but now it's an epidemic. By creepy guys, I mean, strangers who want to be personally intimate with you within the first five or ten seconds of speaking to you. And who ignore anything you say, and creep closer and closer and closer as they (pretend to) talk to you, trying to touch you. Strategically, when then guy is within arm's reach, I wonder if I should attack him while I still have the element of surprise. It's more legally defensible though if I wait for him to touch me first before I kick his ass. But I'm in a strategically weaker position if he already has a hand on my body. (FYI: For the last few days, I've managed to walk away without being followed. Also, I've been wearing cargo pants, a zipped up hoodie covering an unseen t-shirt, my hair tied back in a pony tail, and no makeup, jewelry, or bra.)

Update (May 26 08:49 PDT)

1. In these situations, I have about three seconds to assess the situation, and take decisive action. Anything that takes more time is not a viable solution.
2. I didn't want to say this, but the common element to these experiences, is that the male is black, older, and a poor communicator. The two times when this has happened while shopping, I also noticed that the man did not purchase anything from the store.
3. The stakes are higher in my case because I'm trans. Attempted rape becomes attempted murder, and I get blamed for it because I'm deceiving people. (The murder rate for transsexuals is about 2%.) (At least there's no public information linking my old and current names, so the press will have to use the right name when they talk about my death.)
4. I advocate and practice non-violence whenever possible. But I also have an extremely strong self-preservation instinct when I'm in an immanently life threatening situation.
5. I practiced martial arts for a few years, about a decade ago. In a physical altercation against anyone who doesn't know martial arts (most people), I stand a good chance. All of my muscle memory is to not actually damage the person though, if it comes to that I'll have to figure things out as I go along.

Comments

[badwox.livejournal.com]

These are all products of the internet generation. People who don;t have to interact with real people, and are used to "fast hookups" in on-line fantasy worlds like Second Life... ... On-line MMO's where a "one night stand" takes all of about 20 or 30 minutes of role play on their computer screen. So when they do get in the real world their expectations of social interactions are vastly inappropriate.

Products of the internet generation.

[krinndnz.livejournal.com]

I love the optimism you show when you say, basically, that the presence of skeezy dudes is just a part of Kids These Days. I disagree.

[badwox.livejournal.com]

It's just my observation of the sleazy dudes that creep me out. I have some really creepy stalkers, too. The ones I encounter are really operating on poorly conceived expectations of the real world. SOme of them even get mad when I won't have Web Cam sex with them when I don't know them and never met them! One stalker tried to blackmail me recently!

my first reply was more acidic than it should have been

[krinndnz.livejournal.com]

I think we have a lot of agreement there. The culture of the Internet can definitely encourage that behavior, I just don't think that it is, at its core, new.

The ones I encounter are really operating on poorly conceived expectations of the real world.
Yeah, that produces scary stuff. People who are working from really skewed ideas about the potential consequences of their actions can be dangerous.

[kitten-goddess.livejournal.com]

@smashwolf:

"One stalker tried to blackmail me recently!"

Eesh! I hope you saved those e-mails and reported the psycho to the cops.

@foxgrrl:

I'm sorry you're getting harassed by creeps.

[badwox.livejournal.com]

There's nobody to report to because he's an international stalker.. from Austrailia, and neith his ISP, nor Australian authorities seem too keen on acting on the complaint of a foreign victim.

[kitten-goddess.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry! What about the authorities in your area, for the blackmailing attempts? That is against the law in the US. (I don't know where you are.)

[badwox.livejournal.com]

I live in a rural area without any sort of a cybercrime unit, and calling the sheriff got me laughed at.

[tarathene.livejournal.com]

A full set of those could make for some interesting situations when playing nicely with others!

[bosn.livejournal.com]

Also, I've been wearing cargo pants, a zipped up hoodie covering an unseen t-shirt, my hair tied back in a pony tail, and no makeup, jewelry, or bra.)

well Gee, dressed like that your kinda asking for it. :)

(the otter runs away giggling)

[5p1ic3.livejournal.com]

Better have mace or a tazer with you at all times, sweetie. =o.o=

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

As a rated instructor for both, let me assure you that neither is a catch-all solution. I strongly encourage laypeople to carry pepper spray if they are aware of its limitations and do not carry it as a "magic bullet" which will end up uselessly at the bottom of a purse or backpack.

Taser can be incredibly effective in an altercation, but misuse is a felony in California and the cartridges are traceable. Stunguns are not Tasers.

A good grasp of situational awareness, verbal confrontation skills, basic martial arts training that includes realistic groundfighting and learning how to fall, and the prudence to avoid high risk situations is far more effective protection than any weapon or device.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

I admire your pain tolerance if you can enjoy a contact stun.

[bridgeweaver.livejournal.com]

First of all, I'm sorry this is happening to you, following commentary not meant to minimize.

However, viewed from one perspective, you are actually in a better tactical position once they have initiated contact, so long as the contact isn't immediately violent. They have given you intent/energy to work with. This is my martial bread and butter, and I state with confidence that if $foo gives me contact in a situation where violence is an outcome, I will have a high chance of owning $foo. Commitment is dangerous.

Not that violence is necessarily the best option here, but having it available makes other options more viable. Peace through (concealed) superior firepower. *smile* And yes, my Aikido ancestors are probably doing high falls in their graves.

[qaexl.livejournal.com]

I agree.

In sparring, I spend a lot of time trying to gain contact and entry.

I haven't quite picked up the trick for this -- maximizing pain while minimizing physical damage. With those in the toolbag, I'd feel confident about applying in situations before they get to life-or-death. The most useful of those so far are the skin grabs (and tendon grabs ... triceps and thighs), driving single knuckles in between short-ribs, and pinning the feet (while pushing someone backwards). (Thanks for bringing this up, I have not taken inventory of what I know how to do and classified them in increasing esclation).

Come to think of it, maybe I should teach my gf some of this stuff. She picks up joint locks pretty fast, but I didn't want to teach the setups (takes much more training). But if someone's already initiated contact, I think I can come up with some basic responses. (It assumes the other person doesn't know china or judo or jujutsu or something similar)

I'm curious -- what are the common ways these people touch you? (Same-side/opposite side shouder? Grabbing arm?)

-Q

[ivy]

Huh. We should try some of this next month; I am all about the no contact whenever possible. Different flavors of martial arts, I guess, but I'd love to see your take on it.

[qaexl.livejournal.com]

Guess so. Though the Chinese in general prefer sticking, even in "Long Fist".

-Q

[helen99.livejournal.com]

I think there's a common misperception that women who attend pagan-ish and otherwise eccentric festivals and cons are poly, which in these idiots' minds is equal to "will have sex with strangers". I don't know where these perceptions come from. They do not come from the internet, which contains volumes of information defining various lifestyles and how these have *nothing* to do with accommodating their fantasies. If frequent ass-kicking will help them realize and correct their mistake, I'd be totally happy with that. Barring that, festival security can be alerted and throw the offenders out.

[helen99.livejournal.com]

At a grocery store? That's pretty bizarre. My experience at grocery stores has been of trying not to get run over by impatient people wielding shopping carts. It would not be advisable for anyone to mess with those people, regardless of gender or size.

[helen99.livejournal.com]

Ah, didn't see that part. That is extremely creepy. I'm sorry this is going on.

[angharads-house.livejournal.com]

pepper spray.

[merovingian.livejournal.com]

Ewww! My sympathies.

[shizouka.livejournal.com]

Reminds me why I took Martial arts. I need to brush up on it.

[tixen.livejournal.com]

...yeah, I just had my first severe encounter with this last week. Since making the assertions that I would not leave this house as a man unless required to, I've noticed that the more I fudge the line between male and female, the more I get harassed. Christ- Its as if just because I'm a tranny, they assume I will cater to the sick fantasies of a grubby, unwashed stranger (who is usually 15-20 years my senior)!

Eww eww ewwww!!

[yetanotherbob.livejournal.com]

Thirding the pepper spray. That is, when it gets to be annoying but not threatening, turn towards him, pepper spray aimed at him, and a firm "Back off" or "go away". If there's other people visible, it should be loud enough to draw attention. If he comes forward, even with an "Aw, baby", spray him. This will do one of:
1) warn him away without using the spray.
2) Embarass him from doing anything once attention is drawn.
3) mark a line in the sand, so to speak, that if he comes forward, you're doing self defense and you've already got your can aimed.
4) You've got witnessess that he came at you after you already told him to leave.

[veleda.livejournal.com]

all I can really say here is that I go through the same shit all the time.

Different cultural ways of flirting. That method is common and seen as harmless to them. I understand its hte same in Italy for Italian men.

You and I though we got different understandings of personal space and boundaries.

[screen-play.livejournal.com]

There are a lot of fucking morons milling about in the world with nothing better to do than try their luck on strangers.

I have fantasized about screaming in their faces like a crazy person, regardless of where I am. Being approached and followed just fills me with rage, and I want them to be afraid of me.

[ivy]

I have fantasized about screaming in their faces like a crazy person, regardless of where I am. Being approached and followed just fills me with rage, and I want them to be afraid of me.

It works pretty well. If they think you're crazier than they are and aggro to boot, they'll usually call you a psycho bitch, but they'll usually leave you alone. I'm just fine with people being afraid of me; I'd rather that than the harassment.

[tyrsalvia.livejournal.com]

Sigh. Welcome to being a woman.

I'm really sorry to hear you've had a rash of loathsome people trying to hit on you & violate your space. Honestly, one of the reasons I'm as overweight as I am is to avoid shit like that. Not a great strategy for a lot of reasons, but it does keep the assholes away most of the time.

[uncledark.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're having to deal this crap.

[lupagreenwolf.livejournal.com]

I actually would argue against pepper spray simply because it's not reliable. If the wind is blowing towards you, you can't use it. If the attacker takes it from you, you're in trouble. If the attacker is on PCP or some other drug that can heighten resistance to painful stimuli, it'll be ineffective.

Your best bet is to attack the face. Gouge eyes, hammer fist to the nose, cupped-hand slap to the ears, etc.

[lupagreenwolf.livejournal.com]

Oh, and if you don't already know how to do a proper head-butt, have someone show you. People will leave you alone if you've just smashed the front-top part of your head into their nose/jaw/etc. (or at least they'll have more trouble breathing).

[lupagreenwolf.livejournal.com]

Actually, that doesn't always work; there are guys who can take a hard kick to the nads and keep going. Face/head/throat if you can get it seem to be the most consistently vulnerable places. Hard to chase someone if you're blinded, or your equilibrium's off because your eardrums are busted.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

Yes and no. Most common error with pepper spray is user error: hesitation, pointing the wrong way, fumbling with the trigger, etc. Like any motor skill under stress, it requires practice to get it right.

Most of the self defense situations I am aware of, both victim and attacker are sprayed. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as it can forestall continued assault. Attackers have usually been sprayed before and have experienced its effects. Police and security who carry pepper are often required to undergo exposure, and to at minimum see video of exposures.

The decision to inflict disabling and permanent injury on an assailant must not be taken lightly. Such an action must be fully justified by risk to person and life, and then carried through forthrightly without hesitation or mercy. Errors land you in court or the morgue.

[bridgeweaver.livejournal.com]

I concur with all this. Pepper spray is a weapon, and you'd better be competent with and completely willing to use it if you're going to draw it. Also, with pepper spray, you should spray yourself, or have someone do it so you can understand the effects and determine if you could go on if it were done to you. Dear friend discovered that she would be hospitalized in the ER if anyone pepper-sprayed her, which eliminated it as a weapon option for her. The pistol crossbow is nice and intimidating though.

[bridgeweaver.livejournal.com]

No silly, the bolts make merry hell out of soft food, even if she did attach a string to them so she could retrieve them easily. *smile*

[lupagreenwolf.livejournal.com]

If a situation is bad enough to warrant me to resort to violence, I'll back up my actions in court any day. (I also tend to be a pretty nonconfrontational person, so getting me to that point usually would take something pretty serious.)

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

+1. The cupped hand-slap to the ears is particularly good for people without much training, as it's easy to learn, not too difficult to target, and the physics of it makes it pretty much impossible to fuck up (the impact isn't the important part, it's the air getting forced down the ear canal and shattering the eardrum).

I'm personally fond of a knuckle rake across the throat (it tends to make people stumble backward, which puts space between them and you; it works particularly well on men because of that nice large adam's apple; and it's unlikely to do permanent damage) or an upward shot to the nose with the heel of the hand.

Also, nothing says fuck off and die like a good old-fashioned collar choke, but those take practice.

[hep.livejournal.com]

god srsly? welcome to my life. it has been this way since i turned 10 and will never ever stop because i will never not look 12. this is what you get for being a girl sad to say.

[hep.livejournal.com]

also it's not so bad as long as they don't try to touch you. i've had some creepy situations where guys tried to put me in their car and "give me a ride home" and shit like tht. i never mind tho because, honestly, i love having an excuse to stab someone.

[whimsywanderer.livejournal.com]

This is why, when traveling, I tended to carry multiple knives, and sort of spread the info that I was 1) a bit crazy, and 2) good with knives. This was helpful in many situations. In others(more like yours apparently), looking them in the eye with anger and telling them to fuck off, loudly, helps a lot. Cathartic too. Confidence and anger are not what a creepy guy is expecting and tends to throw them off. Let them know you are not a victim. This generally more helpful in settings where you aren't alone. Alone...yeah, pepper spray, martial arts, just not letting them get that close before letting them know you have that confidence/anger thing.

Sad to say that though it really sucks that you've had a rash of it lately, I have to agree with some of the above commenters. This really is a part of being female in this society. We all deal with it to one degree or another. It sucks, but there you go.

[ivy]

looking them in the eye with anger and telling them to fuck off, loudly, helps a lot

Yeah, I agree with this. They usually want fear, and the idea that they can push you or intimidate you to get what they want. A direct, hostile look and a willingness to loudly back it up and make a scene if you must goes a long way.

[weev.livejournal.com]

Though this is something all female-gendered people have to deal with, I find a common attitude amongst many socioeconomic swaths of men wrapped around an idea that all transwomen are prostitutes.

Perhaps carry some mace. If someone touches you, empty it into their eyes. I don't think brandishing a can of mace is a crime in California. I could be wrong, we live in a fucking bullshit commie state. I am infuriated that I cannot carry concealed around my home. I have been in violent or potentially violent situations multiple times and having a piece makes me feel a lot more secure.