What do I do for a living?

[foxgrrl]

A question I am frequently asked is: What do you do for a living?

I'll usually say something like I'm a malware analyst. — although that's an incomplete answer. And they'll say What's malware? And I'll try to explain it to them, but they're too impatient for more than a one sentence explanation. And so I say stuff about hacking and computer viruses and spam, in about two or three sentences, which don't penetrate their skull. (Since they didn't really want to know the answer, they were just making small talk.) And in frustration I'll say something like I break into computers for a living. And then they're like Oh! But that's not really what I do either. And If you've ever seen my CV, you'll note that I do a lot of different, hard-to-explain things. Like Reverse engineering, exploit development, vulnerability analysis, tool development, and even some QA work (tracking down the root cause of the really hard bugs).

The only really succinct response I've come up with is that I stare at the 1's and 0's, and explain what's going on in English. (Or that I'm just really smart at people.)

Comments

[zeeth_kyrah]

You figure out how other people break into and damage computers, and tell others how to fix it in a language they understand.

[hep.livejournal.com]

when did we stop calling this security r&d? you do security r&d. that's what that job has always been called, since i had it in the 1990s.

[baxil.livejournal.com]

I agree. Seems to me that the simplest just-making-conversation answer is: "I work in [computer] network security."

[hep.livejournal.com]

computer research scientist always had a nice ring too. or the old stand by COMPUTRONICS EXPERT.

[yetanotherbob.livejournal.com]

"You ever seen Tron? It's like that. I defeat viruses using a frisbee." There you go.

[anaisdjuna.livejournal.com]

HOT!

[tracerj.livejournal.com]

Very much agreed. In fact, I think that having such a disc strapped to one's back should be a requirement for that sort of position. *sagenod*

[octalpussy.livejournal.com]

I just tell people I'm a hacker with a 401k. It shuts up anyone who doesn't understand enough to ask what my specialty is.

[anaisdjuna.livejournal.com]

When I had magenta hair people would assault me and ask me how I got my hair that color. It was such an annoying question because really they didn't want to know.

I dyed it is too smart ass of an answer, but about as much info as they really wanted.

I bleach it then I put vegetable dyes on it produced a glazed look in their eyes.

I once had someone ask me - in seriousness - if it was my natural hair color. My hair was HOT - 1950's cancer lipstick - PIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK. Think of of the hottest pink magenta you can and stick it in the microwave. There was no way it was natural. Um yeah.

I told that person that my mom's hair was red and my dad's hair was blue. I simply could not resist.

[secretsoflife.livejournal.com]

i learned that they really don't want to know the hard way - the CTO of the company asked, and so i told him about the process and it was this particular interesting chemistry and i'd looked up the patents and blah blah blah and he just got this frightened look and turned around and talked to one of my non-pink-haired co-workers.

as for the original question... i tell people that i read people's email, but only the dodgy/interesting ones :)

@anaisdjuna

[kitten-goddess.livejournal.com]

*LOL*

If someone does something really cool like dye their hair three different colors and have it come off like a rainbow, I always REALLY want to know how they did that without getting the colors bleeding together or looking gross.

[tixen.livejournal.com]

^ This.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

I sympathize. Most people are asking the question to file and sort you into a category. So I keep several stock answers on hand for how I earn a living. "blah blah blah manager blah" works for 85%+ of the people who ask.

Given that you attend and present at conferences and do cutting-edge work, rather than routine admin, you always struck me as a network security researcher. It would not surprise me overmuch if someday, some academic institution dropped a couple degrees on you.

[alcira.livejournal.com]

Drewkitty? Are you that Drewkitty?

WOW!

I tell people I'm a jaded philosopher who has finally discovered what she wants out of life. I hesitate to fill out my high school's persistent requests to get an update. The reunion may happen this year. Bf says he regretted going because of all the bullshit that got thrown about passed off as the truth. Hm...

I could always say I'm a hu-man be-ing when they ask me what I do but I haven't had enough jobs to define myself by any one title. Foxgrrl. We live in the same town. I must see you sometime. ::folds hands in martial artsy preparation glance::

[centauress.livejournal.com]

"Malware is when people write computer programs to abuse other people's stuff. Naughty software."

Hehe.

[vega-33.livejournal.com]

This seems very familiar ;-). Even as a Systems Administrator, I find it difficult to explain to my folks or even peers what I do for a living, or what I can do/what my capabilities are. Often if I say I'm in computers, thats enough for most people. LOL.

[qaexl.livejournal.com]

"I'm the janitor of the internet with an expensive engineering degree. You don't know me, you don't see me, you don't hear me, yet if I go away, you won't be able to email your friends, download illegal music, and watch your favorite TV episodes online."

Not to be too flip about it, I've done sys admin work for a while.

-Q

[digitalsidhe.livejournal.com]

I used to say, "I keep the emails and web pages running on time."

[qaexl.livejournal.com]

Heheheh, I think I like that one better.

-Q

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

"I'm like a locksmith, but for computers."

[qaexl.livejournal.com]

Heheh, don't you just love it when people want to slot you into a specific social role?

"I'm the one in the lab coat that protect people like you from mass hordes of computer zombies taking over the internet, so you can watch your youtube and your facebook like everything is still normal."

-Q

[helen99.livejournal.com]

Everyone who works at my office understands "Vulnerability Analysis", because if you find something "bad," that means there will be huge numbers of boring meetings, people staying late coding and testing, and lengthy reports.

Or as an alternative...

[wolfwings.livejournal.com]

...you're one of the real-world versions of what Rat from The Core was based on, in my mind.

Or just a photographer, if you want to dodge. =^.^=

[bunnykitteh.livejournal.com]

LOL... this reminds of when people ask, "So what kind of massage do you do?"

[hasufin.livejournal.com]

When I was in college, I would sometimes be asked what I was studying, and when I would answer "Oh, I'm studying computer science." the asker would recoil in fear: I had just divulged that I was a member of that esoteric priesthood, the wizards who understood computers, and of course all computer people were hackers, so they had to fear me lest I break into their bank accounts and steal their money and all sorts of ridiculous things.

That fear is mostly gone now. Computer folks are just another kind of nerdy engineer-type, though with a bit more money and style than most. But, ultimately, those who study computers are still outside of the realm in which normal people operate. For someone like me, I can fully understand what you do (though not by any means how you do it), but to anyone outside the field, you're likely to not get any farther than "I work with computers".